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No More Leaks? (After the Deluge)

December 5, 2010

In the aftermath of Wikileaks, everyone seems to be getting into the act. I received this yesterday from a confidential source:

CABLE:

FROM:  HE THE AMBASSADOR OF RURITANIA TO THE REPUBLIC OF POLYMANIA

TO:     HE FOREIGN MINISTER OF RURITANIA

YOUR EXCELLENCY

FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR FORESIGHT IN INSTALLING OUR SECURE NETWORK. NO WIKILEAKS FOR US!

SO, KNOWING THAT THERE IS NO CHANCE OF THIS INFORMATION FALLING INTO THE HANDS OF OUR ENEMIES AND OTHERS WHO WOULD SEEK TO DISCREDIT OUR GLORIOUS NATION, I HAVE THE HONOUR TO PRESENT THIS BRIEFING ON THE EVENTS OVER THE PAST WEEK.

MONDAY: AS YOU KNOW, THE VOTE FOR THE WORLD CUP 2018 IS IMMINENT. I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT OUR BID TEAM IS TELLING US THEY HAVE SPOKEN TO EACH MEMBER OF THE FIFA EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE ABOUT VOTING INTENTIONS. NONE OF THEM INTENDS TO VOTE FOR US. THIS IS WONDERFUL NEWS.  IT MEANS THAT OUR VICTORY IS CERTAIN!

TUESDAY: AS YOU ASKED, I HAVE BEEN DOING MY BEST TO GATHER CREDIT CARD DETAILS OF THE TARGET MINISTERS. NO PROGRESS SO FAR, BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT OUR FIRST SECRETARY FOLLOWED THE FOREIGN MINISTER TO A CHINESE RESTAURANT, WHERE THE MINISTER WAS ENTERTAINING A VOLUPTUOUS UKRAINIAN BLONDE. AFTER THE MEAL, OUR MAN WENT TO THE CASH DESK AND ATTEMPTED TO BRIBE THE CASHIER TO GIVE HIM THE MINISTER’S CREDIT CARD DETAILS. UNFORTUNATELY, IT TURNED OUT THAT THE CASHIER WAS THE MINISTER’S NEPHEW, AND OUR FIRST SECRETARY ENDED UP BEING ARRESTED FOR ATTEMPTED CREDIT CARD FRAUD.

I MANAGED TO HUSH THINGS UP, AND OF COURSE OUR FIRST SECRETARY CLAIMED DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY. BUT I HAD SOME EXPLAINING TO DO TO THE MINISTER. A FURTHER $10 MILLION DEVELOPMENT GRANT WILL DO THE TRICK. OR ALTERNATIVELY, DO WE HAVE ANY OF THOSE CLAPPED-OUT FIGHTERS WE DECOMMISSIONED THE OTHER WEEK?

WEDNESDAY: YOUR EXCELLENCY, YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN A PHOTO OF ME WITH A BROKEN NOSE. I MUST EXPLAIN. I WAS IN BILATERAL MEETINGS WITH THE FOREIGN MINISTER. THINGS WERE GOING NOWHERE. I WAS GETTING MORE AND MORE FRUSTRATED. I KNEW THE MINISTER WAS LYING, AND IN THE END I TRIED THE SARKOZY GAMBIT IN THE HOPE OF BREAKING THE LOGJAM. WHAT I DIDN’T REALIZE WAS THAT THE MINISTER HAD BEEN A FOOTBALL HOOLIGAN IN AN EARLIER LIFE. WHEN I GRABBED HIS LAPELS, HE PROMPTLY HEADBUTTED ME AND BROKE MY NOSE. THERE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE. WE BOTH REALIZED THAT WE’D GONE A BIT FAR, SO WE AGREED TO KEEP IT TO OURSELVES. I EXPLAINED AWAY MY INJURY TO OUR STAFF BY CLAIMING THAT I’D COLLIDED WITH A STATUE OF KARL MARX AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS. I ONLY MENTION THIS AS A WARNING TO HIS EXCELLENCY THE PRESIDENT IN ADVANCE OF HIS STATE VISIT. I KNOW THAT HIS EXCELLENCY IS A JUDO BLACK BELT, BUT THESE PEOPLE DO NOT PLAY BY THE RULES.

THURSDAY:  THE FOREIGN MINISTER AND I ARE THE BEST OF FRIENDS AGAIN. IN THE EVENING HE INVITED ME TO DINNER. THE UKRAINIAN BLONDE WAS PRESENT. BOTH GOT EXTREMELY DRUNK. THE MINISTER STARTED QUOTING SHAKESPEARE. APPARENTLY HE SPENT A YEAR LEARNING ENGLISH IN THE UK. PERHAPS THAT’S WHERE HE PICKED UP HIS HEAD-BUTTING SKILLS. ANYWAY, I THINK HE WAS TRYING TO SEND US A MESSAGE. HE KEPT REPEATING “OUT, DAMN SPOT”, AND “PUT OUT THE LIGHT TO PUT OUT THE LIGHT”. I INTERPRET THIS AS MEANING THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS KEEN FOR US TO TAKE OUT AMAZONIA’S NUCLEAR FACILITIES BEFORE THEY ACQUIRE SUFFICIENT ENRICHED URANIUM. I FEEL THAT THIS IS A VALUABLE INSIGHT – HE SEEMED TO BE TELLING US THAT THEY WOULD NOT INTERVENE TO STOP US SHOULD WE LAUNCH A STRIKE ON AMAZONIA.

THERE WAS AN ADDITIONAL BONUS. THE MINISTER WAS SO DRUNK THAT HE COULDN’T FIND HIS CREDIT CARD. HE HANDED HIS WALLET TO ME, AND I QUICKLY RAN ALL HIS CARDS THROUGH MY POCKET CARD SCANNER BEFORE PAYING THE BILL ON HIS BEHALF. SO NOW WE HAVE HIS THREE CREDIT CARDS, AS WELL AS THE KEY TO THE HOTEL ROOM WHERE HE KEEPS THE UKRAINIAN BLONDE. I AWAIT YOUR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS ON THIS.

FRIDAY: I SPENT THE DAY AT THE PRESIDENT’S COUNTRY ESTATE. HE WAS HIS USUAL MIXTURE OF GENIALITY AND MENACE. AFTER AN EXTREMELY LIQUID LUNCH WE WENT ELK SHOOTING. THE PRESIDENT SHOT TWO, BUT NOT BEFORE ACCIDENTALLY PUTTING A BULLET IN THE BACKSIDE OF THE FOREIGN MINISTER. AS THEY CARRIED THE MINISTER OFF TO HOSPITAL, THE PRESIDENT TURNED TO ME AND REMARKED WITH A MALICIOUS CHUCKLE, “PERHAPS WE SHOULD INVITE DICK CHENEY NEXT TIME. HERE WE CAN SHOOT OUR FRIENDS WITHOUT EMBARRASSMENT, NO?”

AFTER THAT, I’M AFRAID THAT THINGS WENT FROM BAD TO WORSE. WE THEN WENT A SAUNA ON THE SHORE OF  A NEARBY LAKE. AS YOU KNOW, THE LAKES ARE FROZEN OVER AT THIS TIME OF THE YEAR. I KNEW WHAT WAS COMING NEXT. THE PRESIDENT WAS ACCOMPANIED BY AN EXTREMELY FIT-LOOKING FEMALE BODYGUARD. THE VOLUPTUOUS UKRAINIAN FRIEND OF THE FOREIGN MINISTER WAS ALSO PRESENT, ALTHOUGH THE MINISTER HIMSELF WAS, AS YOU KNOW, INDISPOSED.

MORE VODKA FLOWED, AND THE PRESIDENT INSISTED THAT WE ALL JUMP NAKED INTO A HOLE WHICH HAD BEEN CUT IN THE LAKE ICE. THIS WAS EXTREMELY UNPLEASANT, AND QUITE PAINFUL. HOWEVER, WHEN WE RETURNED TO THE SAUNA, THE RELIEF WAS INTENSE, AND WE CELEBRATED WITH MORE VODKA. THE PRESIDENT THEN DECIDED TO ARM WRESTLE WITH HIS FEMALE BODYGUARD, AND ENCOURAGED ME TO DO THE SAME WITH THE FOREIGN MINISTER’S COMPANION. UNFORTUNATELY THE WRESTLING PROGRESSED WELL BEYOND THE BOUNDS OF NORMAL SPORT. IT WAS AT THE CONCLUSION OF THE BOUT THAT I NOTICED WHAT LOOKED LIKE A SMALL VIDEO CAMERA IN THE ROOF OF THE SAUNA.

ONLY LATER DID IT OCCUR TO ME THAT I HAD LEFT MY WALLET, COMPLETE WITH CREDIT CARDS, UNATTENDED WHEN WE WENT FOR OUR TRAUMATIC JUMP IN THE LAKE.

SATURDAY: AS I REVIEW THE EVENTS OF THE WEEK, MY CONCLUSION IS THAT THE GOVERNMENT HERE WILL GO TO ANY LENGTHS TO PERSUADE US TO TAKE ACTION AGAINST AMAZONIA. I’M SURE YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THAT MY ACTIONS WERE ALL CARRIED OUT IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF OUR COUNTRY. YOU SHOULD ALSO BE AWARE THAT WE MAY NOT BE THE ONLY COUNTRY SEEKING CREDIT CARD INFORMATION FROM OUR ALLIES, AND WARN THE PRESIDENT AND VISITING MINISTERS ACCORDINGLY.

I REMAIN, YOUR EXCELLENCY, YOUR HUMBLE SUBORDINATE AND DEVOTED SERVANT OF RURITANIA.

Which goes to show that the enemy of diplomacy is complacency!

From → Politics

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